Just. So. Tired.
Mama's tired, okay? I haven't yet figured out how to juggle like a pro and am currently fantasizing about a 36-hour nap. Exhaustion has become sort of a baseline for me. Here's the thing: I used to be a BIG sleeper. If I got nine hours a night, I'd be up for a nap after work before I hit the gym. I didn't have trouble sleeping when I was pregnant, and no one told me how difficult the postpartum sleep deprivation would be on my psyche (and attitude, relationships, attention, mood, and appetite). Why wasn't this one of those things people talked about at the baby showers? I appreciate truth. After baby, I developed a legitimate phobia of nighttime that lasted for about 6 months. When the sun went down, I started getting all weird-like (It's almost her bedtime. She's screaming. I'll give her a bath, which she loathes. Then I'll nurse her for an hour and put her down, but lightly, because if she awakens, she'll freak. And then it will be at least 30 more minutes. She'll sleep for two hours, and then she'll wake me up. I'll nurse on only one side and hope that she goes back down. Then I'll creep down the hall and down the stairs and sit in the kitchen---in the middle of the night, with a snack---and pump the other breast. So that B will have milk on the days he's home with her. Then I'll go back to bed. And she'll be up in two more hours. When she cries, I feel like my heart has been jolted with a shot of adrenaline---for the record, I'm certain it's biological. This happens over and over until the sun comes up, for which I am eternally grateful.) Because I was nursing, and because she wouldn't take a bottle, and because when B got up I couldn't sleep anyway, and because I am nuts, I kept up the frequent night feedings until she was 13 months. Public Service Announcement: Graduate school (and/or any professional expectations) and parenting a newborn well do not mix. I'm a person who likes more information. I have all of the books and I ask all of the questions. During her first year, a mosquito bite equaled a visit to the pediatrician's office. I admit, it was over the top. But when you're in it, you can't do anything about it. And worst of all, I was finishing up my master's degree in social work (and learning a lot about attachment, early childhood mental health, and family therapy) and participating in a psychotherapeutic training program at the psychoanalytic institute, where they support the notion that daycare is the equivalent of parental neglect. THAT was no small thing. I will probably never get over the fact that we have to put her in daycare. And I know it is good for social development and, quite frankly, important to have some limits and, and: she puts her toys away and learns things very early, so there. But I also worry about food, TV, reading books, exercise, sleep, boo boos, diaper rashes, non-irritating lotion, other caretakers, play, music, and so on. Everything. It has taken over. And that makes me tired. I wouldn't describe myself as laidback anyway, at least about certain things. Other things are like nothing, but I won't go into them now. It's just that my hypervigilance has been kicked up beaucoup notches, and I feel like I live in an anxiety cloud. I focus on caring for the baby and everything else comes next. And sometimes time for next never comes. I can put it this way: I cannot, CANNOT, remember things, EVER. I will take a list to the grocery store and forget about it. I put peanut butter in the refrigerator and leave keys in the lock, outside the door. I tell people I'll call them back and I don't. I miss doctor appointments. And I can't do two things (or more) at once---especially if one of those things is having a conversation. Exhaustion. Does this happen to you? Today I'm wondering if I have allergies (Seasonal? Never had them. Do they come later in life?) or if I am actually sick. Pretty sure my immune system is on the fritz. I know I need rest, some SLEEP or I'll die, so I'll be going to bed early this week, for sure. And I know that I won't be sick at all in Maine---because we have help and help is HUGE. Ever long for the time when people just lived around their people? B and I want our village. Where's our village?
